My dad was sick for a long time. He had Parkinsons, it was diagnosed after retirement. He did not shake or have the normal signs of it. According to him, he had a different gait, shoulders hurt and he started hallucinating.
I realized that I had the most time with him while he was in the nursing home. But I wander, back to the subject.
He started writing little stories about people in his past, people who made it to the "cameos" were people who paid attention to him.
He paid little attention to his grand kids but again I wander.
I remember asking him about his brother and why there was no story about his brother, a painful memory he did write about.
Most importantly on one of the stories he was reluctant to release, afraid that the person or their relatives would be alive and somehow read the piece of paper existing in California, most are probably in New York or dead or in a home.
What struck me as odd was here is a man who had no problem not having any relationship with his grandkids, great grandkids and minimal relations with his kids, but was afraid of hurting the feelings of some distant relative.
I was going to come to some great point but it escaped me utterly.
My parents divorced after 25 years of marriage, my dad had no real explanation as to why they divorced. He did hook up with one of my class mates from elementary school.
My guess is, he became bored with his life, and was searching for something to make him feel alive. I cannot speak for my mom, was she happy with this life?
My dad at one point wanted to move to Illinois. My mom vetoed this. Perhaps my dad was testing the waters, making his case / story as people do. Finally the affair, to perhaps force the issue, maybe other things were done to solidify his case .
Eventually my case mate did the right thing and dumped my dad. Did he reach out and try to connect with his kids, see how they were doing and help them out? Not really. He helped me once in putting a sprinkler system in my first house and gave me $5000 for a down payment. Was there a sparkle in his eye when he saw his grand kids, did he run over to pick them up and hug them? That just wasn't my dad.
He traveled to the Czech republic to teach, and down to Honduras (no reason given). I realize now that these trips had to do with him trying to find a spouse. There might have been more trips, but communication was normally non-existent.
I do remember him onetime saying he had achieved a level of success that he felt his children would never reach (I was going to the community college he taught at and was outside his office).
I guess he was measuring himself by the American capitalist standard of material wealth and employment status.
To me now at my age, it reeks of buffoonery, how the hell would you know what you children will become, who bets against them, who says your measures are right or valid?
I realize now as I struggled thru life, the thing I needed most from my dad wasn't money, or cars or material things, yes they are great and can make life easier. What I needed the most was guidance a counselor or to keep it Italian , a consigliere.
It could have been for the simplist things in life. Dad how do I muddle thru? Dad when do I say enough is enough? Wait actually those are deep, how about Dad did you feel fuzzy headed in your 30's, did the grind of life and the feeling that the same thing is happening just with different faces?
I like to take my experiences and view them as things I can grow from and to make sure I don't make the same mistakes.
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